Alone in the Corner

One’s creative juices (if you are a fine artist) waxes and wanes like a moon.

Recently, one of my art pieces was displayed in a corner during an art exhibit.  This wouldn’t have been so hurtful, but it was also placed on a door leading to a kitchen.

Mind you; this show was juried, and my piece worthy of display by my peers.

With one more insult, three chairs were placed in front of it as to guard entry to the door and making it unavailable for close viewing.

If closely observed, the art piece had a story inside of it.

I stood across the room and watched patron after patron walk away from the chairs placed in the corner to block the door from entry. My art piece was placed alone, secluded,  unapproachable on the door behind the chairs.

I continued to look around at all  the entries. They were all grouped on the large, lighted, display walls.  It was interesting to me that the theme of this exhibition was “Faces.”

“Alone in the Corner, Lucia”

Something New in 2024

I’ve not only been grieving for the last two years since my husband passed away from cancer but also navigated life as a 68 year old woman on her own.

Thank goodness for community,  family, and friends who remind me often how much I have accomplished in these two years.


I’ve managed to fix the house up with needed repairs.  Learned that keeping a yard nice is a full-time job (one lesson I gave up on and hired the guys).

I’ve meditated with my heart and soul day in and day out.   Sometimes, an accomplishment was simply being awake for a whole day. Or simply walking to the mailbox.

And finally I was understanding the importance of truly being myself and being ok with crying uncontrollably, being mad at everything, frustrated with the universe, feeling happy now and again, and being patient as I try to figure out what to do with my life. And how to live without a spouse.

After a camping weekend with friends, which my sis-in-law made happen, led me towards camping again. It’s something I’ve done my whole life. But never on my own. 

There are a lot of criteria for camping, especially at my age. Number one, bathroom! Number two, comfy bed! Number three, my two kitties!

My sister-in-law said we could start looking for a travel van,  and it could take time to find the perfect match for me, perhaps a year.

Traveling in some fashion has always popped into my thoughts.  But traveling alone? The alone part always stops me.

Within a few days after camping, a text and pictures came from my sis-in-law. You should at least look at this one, “she said! It’s perfect!”

And yes, it was! In every aspect, this travel van was perfect for me.

So, a change in my life is about to unfold.  Perhaps not a change, but an old familiar feeling, just a little different this time.

Aug 21, 2021

I woke up this morning contemplating my day. What was different, my mind traveled back 7 years to 2014. I was a high school art teacher with 4 years till retirement. Feeling very ready for the usual retirement plans; sleeping in, travel, having more time to myself. I wanted to do what I couldn’t do with work and the many obligations that come with life.

But something happened that messed up my thoughts and plans, my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 tongue cancer. Treatments could prolong his life a little longer, but unknown.

So my life changed when one sentence was spoken, “he has maybe 6 to 10 months to live.”

I stepped up to the challenges; cancer, chemo, radiation, blood transfusion, operations, sickness, doctor visits, hospitals, school, family, sleepless nights and many sad and emotional days. When we received this dreadful new, I just moved to a different school and district. Looking back, 2014 was only one of the many most impossible years to survive. I knew I just had to get from day to day. My life quickly became consumed with my husband’s needs. We decided to get ready for his death, and plan for my future without him. We have about a year, maybe longer.

Now with everything in order, our lives continued on. We went camping as much as we could. My husband kept doing his projects, work, play, and as the doctor would state over and over again; stay the course and treatments.

I relied on my family and friends for everything. Anything my husband wanted to buy, have, or do, he was allowed and given. This might be his and our last time of this lifestyle together.

October 20, 2022

So one year passed, then another year and another! My husband started an experimental drug for his cancer. And another year passed. And with each passing year, so many things changed. But something I didn’t think of is, I changed.

I woke up this morning contemplating my day. This time my mind doesn’t travel back in time. I’m in the present, my husband died from his cancer 8 months ago. Once again I feel myself changed into another person. Because the words from my mouth say a single sentence, “He is gone.”

January 18, 2023

“He is really gone.” I’ve beckoned him back so many times, but I only hear his words, “I believe once you are gone, you are just gone.”

I’ve distracted myself with home improvements, and mindless projects. Adopted two kitties which forces me to function each day. I have been spending time with friends and family. But I’m finding my own path with grieving and really being alone. I have a huge community of love and support. But being alone, really alone after a whole life of having someone around.

Alone.

I really thought I would bounce back into this world, into this new chapter of my life gracefully. I have surprised my self beyond belief and have floundered immensely. I have found numerous kinds of crying. Many levels of guilt. Tons of excuses to do absolutely nothing for days on end, and spending enormous amounts of time wondering who I am now.

Now what?

A good place to stop. Because after eight months, I still don’t have a clue as to what to do, or who I am. I’ve been something for others my whole life. Who am I for me?